this loves a nameless dream

Bluebeard (1994), Cocteau Twins

(from a 90’s music list I started compiling a few years back that I thought I might rehash again…what can I say, I’m feeling a bit 90’s music nostalgic as of late…)

the first time i heard elizabeth’s unique voice was in the early 80’s while lying on the floor of a friend’s bedroom flipping through pages of star hits. I remember that it made me pause my latest search for duran duran pin-ups and ask “who is this?”; from that point on i was hooked on the cocteau twins, and fascinated by elizabeth’s ethereal voice. in 1992, my beautiful daughter julia was born, one of her middle names chosen after elizabeth, a favourite singer of both her father’s and mine. i saw the cocteau twins play live around the time of this album, four-calendar cafe.

i remember sitting towards the back of the wiltern theatre feeling the music swirl around jill and i, as we held hands and held our breath; we were both swept up in the sound. Tthis song reminds me of jill’s small hands, and the way she always smelled of cloves and peppermint candies. music soothed a lot of sting between us, in those moments where we let ourselves just get swept up in melody, and just be okay.

bolts from above hit the people down below

temptation ~ new order
temptation (live, video) ~ new order

"each way i turn,
i know i'll always try to break this circle
that's been placed around me
from time to time,
i find i've lost some need
that was urgent to myself,
i do believe.

up, down, turn around
please don't let me hit the ground
tonight i think
i'll walk alone
i'll find my soul as i go home."
~ temptation ~ new order

***

it was the year before the last real school year. the year he left. no more outside scars; i just won't mention the one's inside, those you have to learn to live with. god and i had come to an understanding, it was time to not believe. and the fake walls around me, they just went too far. i found enough of a voice to say no more - to so many things. and then change, change, change. those first few days the silence wrapped around my mouth. like band-aids. motionlessness. but i ripped them all off, and left myself bleeding and raw. and, i spoke up. more and more with every passing day.

that's the kinda girl i am

haunted ~ sinead o'connor & shane macgowan
haunted (live, video) ~ sinead o'connor & shane macgowan

"i'll stay beside you,
i'll never leave,
or tell you all those lies that you'd never believe."
~ haunted ~ sinead o'connor & shane macgowan

today the music is speaking to me
carrying me off to an embrace of melody
the trigger-gun reaction of emotive lyrical flash-floods
with every song that shuffles towards me
i am gifted something impossible to turn from
or ignore

today i feel the music sweeping through me
lilting, luscious, lush
as i try to wash clean a grey day
a grey mood
a grey me

today i find myself wishing for the same persistence
that i pour into all of this
and that the inner working tick-tock clocks of insecurity
would duct tape their mouths shut
and just leave me be

i just want to be cared for
and believed
this time
because this time
it really matters to me

this one right here plays in the shape of my memory case
causing me to realize that music is so fluid
so full of pieces and words and feelings
often the turn of phrases laden with things i wish i could speak aloudto you

all things left unsaid seem to melt right into the next track
feelings and fears becoming part of the pages of my life
every song i take the time to memorize
and sing along with
becomes the soundtrack behind the images that pass themselves off as a day
and some of these i keep for good
so that i can go back
re-read
put on repeat
turn back open the liner notes and have that moment
when a line i hear in my head
is different
and redirects the way i see things now

this afternoon could become
the side of the tape i will rewind
and play
again and again
until the neighbors bang on the wall in pleas and agony
begging to never play that fucking song again

and i wonder now through stinging eyes
how the stories will hold up in the end
will i sit with my grandchildren tugging at my sleeve
holding the hand of the love i take there with me
and will i read to them from the lines on my hands
show them the flickering images of a life
that will still play behind my half closed eyes
will i still remember the refrain before the last verse
of all those remembered melodies

someone will be there with me (i hope)
laughing
mocking at what a sentimental thing i've become
while inside they smile
because we all cherish the stories shared
of our own existence
perhaps they will correct my additions
and enhancements
add in the erased letters that i choose to forget
whisper that the truth does not need painting over
with glitter
or exaggerated pause
but they all know that sometimes
that is just how i am
and anyway
color changes everything
just like the contents of a song

the stars are exploding in the night: a music mix

that’s gorgeous hold it right where you are: october second music mix

ghosts ~ laura marling
never the less ~ brien jonestown massacre
guitar hero ~ amanda palmer

delilah ~ the dresden dolls
sailor song ~ regina spektor
won't wait long (margaret in the taiga) ~ the decemberists
siren song ~ bat for lashes
the strangers ~ st. vincent

queen of the world ~ ida maria
nineteen ~ tegan & sara
runaway ~ yeah yeah yeahs
we are beautiful, we are doomed ~ los campesinos!
give a little love ~ noah & the whale
cosmic love ~ florence & the machine
dance dance dance ~ lykke li
french navy ~ camera obscura
everything with you ~ the pains of being pure at heart
get over it ~ guillemots
epic last song ~ does it offend you, yeah?

oct 2 mix ~ zipped up

go on and disappear: a music mix

two worlds collided: a mix for the first of october

the ghost in you ~ the psychedelic furs
lips like sugar ~ echo & the bunnymen
i melt with you ~ modern english
girlfriend in a coma ~ the smiths
in between days ~ the cure
slave to love ~ bryan ferry
girls on film (night version) ~ duran duran
just like honey ~ the jesus and mary chain
radio free europe ~ r.e.m.
joey ~ concrete blonde
birthday ~ sugarcubes
regret ~ new order
under the milky way ~ the church
love will tear us apart ~ joy division
rapture ~ blondie
add it up ~ the violent femmes
psycho killer ~ talking heads
space oddity ~ david bowie
never tear us apart (acoustic) ~ inxs

oct 1 mix ~ zipped up

angels fall like rain

the ghost in you ~ the psychedelic furs
the ghost in you (lost in translation version) ~ the psychedelic furs
the ghost in you (lost in translation version, video) ~ the psychedelic furs

"a race is on
i'm on your side
and hearing you my engines die
i'm in a mood for you
for running away
stars come down in you
and love...
you can't give it away."
~ the ghost in you ~ the psychedelic furs

"i don't want to leave." ~ bob
"so don't. stay here with me. we'll start a jazz band." ~ charlotte
~ lost in translation

it comes on unexpected, like the faded memories of a near completed dream. you wake up and rub your eyes, try to recapture what has just transpired in that subconscious film of sleep. you remember what you first felt, how it grew and how it stuck and stayed. words spoken, misunderstandings and genuine understandings, and the shadows of past pain that ghosts across your skin, tethering your fears and doubts to the core of who we are, there are consequences to all of it. but, sometimes something is strong enough to do more then just haunt the subject of your dreams. sometimes it teaches you things about the world, about life, about yourself. and sometimes, it is worth being patient for, and waiting as long as forever, because you know - in your conscious and sub-conscious - that it is will be worth it; that it will be more than just ghosts of some oft forgotten dream.

a favorite song of mine set to one of my all-time favorite films.

like the sunshine

"joely?" ~ clementine

"yeah tangerine?" ~ joel

"am i ugly?" ~ clementine

"uh-uh." ~ joel

"when i was a kid, i thought i was. i can't believe i'm crying already. sometimes i think people don't understand how lonely it is to be a kid, like you don't matter. so, i'm eight, and i have these toys, these dolls. my favorite is this ugly girl doll who i call clementine, and i keep yelling at her, 'you can't be ugly! be pretty!" it's weird, like if i can transform her, i would magically change, too." ~ clementine

[kisses clementine] "you're pretty." ~ joel

"joely, don't ever leave me." ~ clementine

"you're pretty...you're pretty...pretty..." ~ joel

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

"change your heart.
look around you;

change your heart

it will astound you."

everybody's gotta learn sometime (video) ~ beck

there are a million reasons why i relate to this movie so much, and why clementine resonates with me so deeply. this scene, and the conversation they have, is one of the biggest ones. there is this near constant undercurrent of insecurity that plagues me incessentally. most of the time i can manage to ignore it, or if it isn't disregard, it is that i'm so used it being part of my make-up that i just plod along with it in tow. it does not seem to affect my daily life much, and i've learned to push through its naggings, especially in the realm of work and parenthood, and just tell myself that i'm good at what i do. i'm a good employee, and i'm a good mom, these things hardly come into question for me.

but, that internal beast of insecurity is impossible to shut up when i let myself care about someone. i have typically such a thick wall around me when it comes to relationships, and love, that the insecurity tends to sleep, or turn off, when i deal with things like dating, or talking with someone who i deep down know there is no potential. but, the few times i've let the walls down, and let my heart get into the picture, and fall for someone - well that insecurity is shaken violently awake and all the years of hurt, pain and rejections - those ever-echoing feelings of never being enough, or being too much, come front and center, poking at me, making it impossible to ignore.

that's when the over-thinking starts, and the doubts, and the questioning everything i do. i feel like i start to ready myself for failure, feeling as if i fuck up anything that really matters to me, and that i am just going to mess it all up again. it is so defeating, so painful, so heartbreaking to feel this way and i truly hate it, but i don't know how to stop it. i try to breathe through it, but my breath gets caught in my throat, choking me. i find myself (even more) sleepless. i start to feel needy, and irrationally sad. and then i start deciding that things are falling apart, even when they are not at all. around this time i shut down, go quiet, sink lower than anyone ever seems to notice.

the only buoy in the water of all this self-doubt is the need to be reaffirmed. i'm an honest person, and i try to be open, so i will usually try to reach out - try, not always succeeding. and it is then, in those moments, that i am at my most fragile. it is then when i truly need to be held and told that i'm alright just as myself. but that - that part - feels so impossible to ask for.

it really hurts, somedays, to be this way.