say to me you'll let me hold your hand

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (screenshot)
keep art alive ~ film by michel gondry

about a girl (cover) ~ cibo matto
i want to hold your hand (cover) ~ tv carpio
i will follow you into the dark (cover) ~ amanda palmer
sheena is a punk rocker (cover) ~ yeah yeah yeahs
jeane (cover) ~ sandie shaw

sunday covers (girls girls girls version) ~ zipped up

but most of all i wish it from myself

"untitled" (found photograph)
keep art alive; artist unknown"

"for you, there'll be no more crying,
for you, the sun will be shining,
and i feel that when i'm with you,
it's alright, i know its right."

songbird (cover, live, video) ~ rosie thomas
songbird (cover) ~ rosie thomas
songbird (cover, video) ~ eva cassidy
songbird (cover) ~ eva cassidy
songbird (live, video) ~ fleetwood mac

words, along with music, are the things i most cling to in this world. they are my truest form of expression, my place of solace and release, and often the very things i hide myself within, most especially in times of my life when i have felt the most vulnerable. there are times that i look back on that i know would have done me in had it not been for the music, and my ability to spill things out on a canvas, of sorts. when i've felt at my lowest i've always found that writing until i cannot write anymore, until my fingers ached and my head felt less full (not sure my head will ever be empty) helped me to keep breathing, keep moving, and not fall apart completely. and at my best of times? sometimes the words slow, something that at one time bothered me because i thought am i only leaving a trail of sorrow behind? the only words to come back to, to revisit, to tell a story of my life - are they only made up of the low points? but then again, perhaps it is in those absences that i can trace the moments i've truly engaged in life, and been celebrating being me instead of curling up into a ball of songs and sentences.

i am trying to forge a balance between lately, though. this year, well it has been quite the carnival ride of emotions, and i think for a spell i just wanted to dwell in it, roll about in the days, and not try to define it all so much. but, the consequence of that meant it was all spinning around in my head so much that i could not sleep (not that i sleep well ever) and i lost a bit of the clarity i find when i write, with the music playing in the background. and then something happened. i left my daily routine. some of this was due to being laid off from work, some of this was due to a family vacation that i had originally decided to pass up on, and some of it was deciding that there were things in my life i wanted to reach out for, whether they worked or not, because maybe all that contemplation, and self-searching my music and writing had always been striving for, was actually working.

i'm still looking for a job. to be honest i think i'm looking for a place to call home, too. i'm not particularly sure that place is still california, but that remains to be seen. i have shed certain things in my life, certain fears, certain people, certain self-doubt and self-loathing that has had me so stalled in the whole living thing. and, i've let myself be so much more open, and consequently so much happier. and, i've let my heart fall in the most amazing of ways. right now, well these may just be the best days of my life. i know i laugh more, i smile more, i feel more alive. and even though there are parts of me that are still very afraid, and parts of myself that i doubt, i am trying to just be myself and hang on to the things i hold dear. and yes, i still have the music playing, and yes, i am still writing. and yes, i do hope the things in my life that are making me this happy stay in my life, and are happy there, too.

"in spite of what i have been through and maybe because of it
let me tell you this
this

is the best time of my life right now
no one can take that away
this is how
i will always

remember it"

excerpt from open letter to quiet light, francesca lia block

i should just let them go

"untitled" (found photograph)
keep art alive; artist unknown

"i never will forget those nights,
i wonder if it was a dream.
remember how you made me crazy?
remember how i made you scream?"

boys of summer (cover) ~ bree sharp

in a box that was nearly forgotten i found a stack of postcards and letters, held together by a bright orange rubber band, from quite a few years past. they were from the summer months of one year, and tucked in behind them was a well-worn composition book with some of my ramblings and attempts at poetry scrawled inside. sifting through these found pieces from the past i felt as if i was paging through a photo album, polaroids with single sentence descriptions left on the bottom, or a well-meant wish you were here etched on the back. sometimes, looking back like this feels like peering into someone else's life. a different chapter, i suppose; an earlier version of yourself.

like a coin operated lullabye
july 23, 2004

(written by me)

five steps to disaster
five more steps to a dizzy debauchery
and he was you
yes, darling, and you were me

tricks of the trade
striped violin playing lines
dance around your legs, your hands
without you i'm nothing but sand

reeling and forgetting names, numbers
the drizzle poof trickle
bloodletting
her name is rio and she dances

days go by without tearing the pages
down, dear dark one, down farther still
you leave lipstick marks on my anklesc
riss crossed tic tac toe stains

on your elbows, eyelids
the shadow of my dreamscape
post coital recall
asleep in someone else's story

pour me another, my monkey twin
pose your best pout for me
then twirl, spin, twirl again
without the onset of a recovery

we will be the sun

oh i do believe

"untitled" (found photograph)
keep art alive; artist unknown

"what comes is better,
than what came before."

i found a reason (cover) ~ cat power
i found a reason (cover, video) ~ cat power
i found a reason (video) ~ the velvet underground

and in the midst of everything, all the changes that have occured in my life over the past years, and all the uncertainty that seems to swirl around me, there are some things i believe in. music, writing, conversations, early morning contemplations, the way vinyl sounds late at night, my children's laughter, coffee, stacks of books, good jukeboxes, memories...

and yes, i believe in you.

we're caught in a trap

batman (tv series/screen shot)
keep art alive; tv series created by bob kane, bill finger and william dozier

"oh let our love survive,
our dry the tears from your eyes,
lets dont let a good thing die,
when honey, you know...
i've never lied to you."

suspicious minds (video) ~ elvis presley
suspicious minds (cover, video) ~ fine young cannibals
suspicious minds (cover, acoustic, video) ~ gavin rossdale
suspicious minds (cover, live, video) ~ the flaming lips
suspicious minds (cover, live, video) ~ mic christopher & the frames
suspicious minds (cover, live, video) ~ pete yorn

this is one of those songs that i have heard, and loved, many a cover of. pete yorn's rendition, especially, is one of my favorites. that said, the original is truly the best to me and does it for me, every single time.

obsessive love, seasoned (or poisoned) by jealousy, and fueled by something that is hard to articulate, and even harder to leave. is it a chemical connection? that kind of pull that attracts to opposites, superheroes and villians, the two least likely to fall? that kind of a pair looks great on a screen, and in the pages between, doesn't it? one of those explosions one likes to watch from afar.

i was reading something earlier on the origins of batman, and catwoman, and while i was reading suspicious minds came on my itunes. it was one of those moments where everything alligned in that magical, and admittedly geeky way, that makes me pause and smile.

what would i do without music and pop culture and the kind of random thinking, and conversations, that come of it?

"if i were to kiss you, would you think i was a bad girl?" ~ catwoman
"bu...uh...no...no of course not catwoman." ~ batman

suddenly everything has changed

"untitled" (found photograph)
keep art alive; artist unknown

"driving home,
the sky accelerates,
and the clouds all form,
a gemometric shape,
and it goes fast,
you think of the past."

suddenly everything has changed ~ the flaming lips
suddenly everything has changed (cover, video) ~ the postal service

i've been reading this book of poetry that deals with the lifespan of a relationship from the writer's perspective. each poem is a glimpse into a moment of these two people, allowing the reader to peer in momentarily through the often blurry window pane, and then the image fades, shifts, and evolves. it is both a beautiful and painful read to me because the voice in the poetry, the colored lens i'm seeing through as i read, is so relatable to my own sense of vision and feeling. i recognize the patterns, the doubts, the insecurities, and the vulnerabilities and i often wince, my eyes stinging with the threat of tears, and that pin-prickly recognition begins to dance on my skin as if to say "you know this, don't you?"

and, i do know it. i battle with the ghosts and shadows of self-doubt and my past all the time. i know where the holes are in my armor, and how certain fears break them open, leave me far too vulnerable. and, i know i've often made the kind of mistakes that leave scars, some of them permanent, and trusted what i thought was love, or at least kindness. it is hard to trust myself, and my instincts, on days like today when a long list of failures are thrown in my face. though, to be honest, i do not need anyone to remind me - i do just find beating myself up all on my own.

consequently, i've built a wall around me for a good long time. often people don't notice it because in words, and writing, and to others i often seem to bleed out everything of myself. but there are parts of me that are so guarded, and hidden away, that after awhile i think i just forget that i'm even capable of feeling certain things at all anymore. so, how do i proceed if i decide to take the walls down, trust someone enough to give the guards a leave of absence, or in actuality, trust myself to choose and love and protect my own heart.

i am trying...i am.

goodbye horses

"untitled" (found photograph)
keep art alive ~ artist unknown

"you told me, i've seen it all before,
i've been there, i've seen my hopes and dreams,
lying on the ground,
i've seen the sky just begin to fall.

and you say, 'all things pass into the night'.
and i say, 'oh no sir, i must say you're wrong,
i must disagree, oh no sir, i must say you're wrong.'
won't you listen to me?"

goodbye horses (video) ~ q lazzarus
goodbye horses (cover, live, video pt. 1) ~ airborne toxic event
goodbye horses (cover, live, video pt. 2) ~ airborne toxic event
goodbye horses ~ q lazzarus

when does one know for sure that goodbye is the only thing left to say? is there not always that opportunity, that chance, that doubt that by the words goodbye may be premature, and that walking away may just be the one action you look back and regret. but then again, is fear of being wrong, or a stubborn refusal to give in, or give up, just a self-fulfilling failure in itself. how does one decide that the best thing for ourselves is to say enough is enough, and wave goodbye?

it is one of those decisions that we often take to everyone we know. we tell the tale, embellishing as we go, even if just a bit, because we want to be the hero, or the victim, of our own story. also, somewhere inside do we not already know what we want our answer to be? do we not tailor the explanation to suit the outcome? do we ask for advice because we truly want it, or because we want someone close to us to validate what we want to - and most likely will do - anyway?

goodbye, though, is a tough one to decide on. there is something so final, so defined, and so irrevocable in the words goodbye. perhaps it is why so many of us say things like "i'm terrible at goodbyes", or "let's just say see you later", or in terms of the break-up you honestly mean to be forever, "we can still be friends, right?" all those half-hearted promises to keep in touch when in that moment we all know - both sides - that we really mean never again, and goodbye for good.

perhaps it is that feeling of permanence that scares us the most. maybe it would be a better thing to recognize that we can change our mind. that we can say goodbye to something, or someone, and be wrong. we can revisit a dream, we can try to reconnect with a friend, and we can look back and think maybe i was rash, maybe i was afraid, maybe i was wrong. and then again, sometimes goodbye is the one word uttered that should stick. deciding what we revisit, or what we never return to - well, that can be just as tricky as deciding whether, and when, to say goodbye in the first place.

"what is the feeling when you're driving away from people, and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? - it's the too huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. but we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies."

~ jack kerouac

do you miss me?

lost in translation (screen shot)
keep art alive; film by sofia coppola

"to vanish into oblivion,
is easy to do.
and i try to be,
but you know me,
i come back when you want me to."

miss misery (cover) ~ lex land
miss misery (live, video) ~ elliott smith
miss misery (video) ~ elliott smith

there are moments in a life that stick with us for just that - life. they imprint hours and ideas and visual cues on our skin and we go on living, forever carrying the haze and tint of those memories.

when one of those moments is shared with someone else, the someone else who becomes part of those memories we carry, then the memory also becomes a sense of missing, and of longing. even if we do not remember the same way, we may miss each other similarily.

maybe on days when the heat is unbearable and a song comes on that you'd nearly forgotten, maybe on those days we stop and remember, and wish we could just disappear into that somewhere, vanish into the memory itself, and be reunited with that someone we miss.

"i don't want to leave." ~ bob
"so don't. stay here with me. we'll start a jazz band." ~ charlotte

~ lost in translation

its a beautiful new day

"balloons" (found photograph)
keep art alive; artist unknown

"hey you with the pretty face,
welcome to the human race,
a celebration,
mister blue sky's up there waitin',
and today is the day we've waited for."

mr. blue sky (cover, video) ~ lily allen
mr. blue sky (cover) ~ lily allen
mr. blue sky (video) ~ e.l.o.

it could be the after effect from being sick for so many days, but when i first glanced out my kitchen window i was taken aback by how beautiful the sky looked. i'm not completely well, and there are things that are looming on my own horizon that feel weighted and almost dire, but i still awoke with that light and floating feeling that could be described as hope.

although i am no fan of summertime heat, there is something to say about a predominately clear sky, dotted with a few billowy clouds, and the sun shining brightly that does lift one's spirit. it feels like a jolt to the system, a weather-induced caffeine lift; it felt today as if someone had cleared my eyes for me, and gave me a friendly nudge.

perhaps the sun is what i needed today, the somewhat clear skies (well, this is los angeles, after all), and a well-received good morning. my creative tendencies, and heart's preferences, reside in autumn weather and overcast, rainy days; in those days i feel like singing, dancing, writing, talking for hours, in those days i feel most like myself. but sometimes, even a cold weather soul needs a little visit from mister sun.

"people are like stained-glass windows. they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."

~ elisabeth kubler-ross