her soul slides away

"untitled" (found photograph)
keep art alive ~ artist unknown

"so i'll start a revolution from my bed
'cos you said the brains i had went to my head.
step outside, summertime's in bloom.
stand up beside the fireplace,
take that look from off your face,
you ain't ever gonna burn my heart out."

don't look back in anger (live, video) ~ oasis
don't look back in anger (video) ~ oasis
don't look back in anger (live, acoustic, video) ~ noel & gem

there are days when it is so hard to shake all the past hurt and disappointment that act sometimes as shadows to our present day lives. we want to go on and forget, don't we? i don't believe there is any one of us who longs for baggage, or resentments, to come in and cloud what we are trying to do, and become, right now. but, some days you wake up and it all feels so heavy and dismal, even with the summer sun so high in the sky just outside your half-blinded window.

i try to shake it off. pour myself another cup of coffee, go on a walk around the neighborhood, play the music so loud that i can feel the vibration of sound pulse just under my skin - and it works, most of the time, nearly all of the time, truly. but other days, like today, part of me wants to run a hot bath and hide away in the steam, letting the tears fall unabashadly, while the anger seaps out into the vanilla-scented bubbles. maybe if i let it all out, scream into a wash cloth, throw the soap against the tiles, i will appear afterwards a new girl - refreshed and clear eyed, not looking backwards with a scowl and eyes filled with sorrow.

i want the disappointments to heal over, to become nothing but fading scars which the sun will help to cover, that along with time, and age. i want to stop feeling so afraid of failure, and heartbreak, even though i know they happen, and happen often. i want to be able to trust love again. and, i want to work again, and write again - both of them part of what i consider my career - and to be actively putting myself into something again. so much of the last few years, or more, have left me so defeated and full of self-doubt. even still, though, i want to get to the point that i can look back at it all, with forgiveness and
knowledge, because mistakes are some of the most beautiful things we do.

"learn the past, watch the present, and create the future."

~ jesse conrad