suddenly everything has changed

"untitled" (found photograph)
keep art alive; artist unknown

"driving home,
the sky accelerates,
and the clouds all form,
a gemometric shape,
and it goes fast,
you think of the past."

suddenly everything has changed ~ the flaming lips
suddenly everything has changed (cover, video) ~ the postal service

i've been reading this book of poetry that deals with the lifespan of a relationship from the writer's perspective. each poem is a glimpse into a moment of these two people, allowing the reader to peer in momentarily through the often blurry window pane, and then the image fades, shifts, and evolves. it is both a beautiful and painful read to me because the voice in the poetry, the colored lens i'm seeing through as i read, is so relatable to my own sense of vision and feeling. i recognize the patterns, the doubts, the insecurities, and the vulnerabilities and i often wince, my eyes stinging with the threat of tears, and that pin-prickly recognition begins to dance on my skin as if to say "you know this, don't you?"

and, i do know it. i battle with the ghosts and shadows of self-doubt and my past all the time. i know where the holes are in my armor, and how certain fears break them open, leave me far too vulnerable. and, i know i've often made the kind of mistakes that leave scars, some of them permanent, and trusted what i thought was love, or at least kindness. it is hard to trust myself, and my instincts, on days like today when a long list of failures are thrown in my face. though, to be honest, i do not need anyone to remind me - i do just find beating myself up all on my own.

consequently, i've built a wall around me for a good long time. often people don't notice it because in words, and writing, and to others i often seem to bleed out everything of myself. but there are parts of me that are so guarded, and hidden away, that after awhile i think i just forget that i'm even capable of feeling certain things at all anymore. so, how do i proceed if i decide to take the walls down, trust someone enough to give the guards a leave of absence, or in actuality, trust myself to choose and love and protect my own heart.

i am trying...i am.