we might live like never before

"untitled" (found photograph)
keep art alive; artist unknown

"so why'd you fill my sorrows,
with the words you've borrowed,
from the only place you've known

and why'd ya sing hallelujah,
if it means nothing to you.
why'd you sing with me at all?"

delicate (live, video) ~ damien rice

this song came on in the car as i drove four blocks down late last night. it was an old mix of mine that i'd found slipped between the seats, nearly forgotten. it was unexpected, the way the song brought the sudden prickle of almost tears to my eyes. unexpected, the way the feelings of not being good enough rushed through my veins. i try to forget the way it felt to be with him. i try to forget the short span of time we spent together, and the way it left a few new holes in my heart.

i had decided never to write about any of it. it was not a conscious decision, though i know that the lack of words given to any of it was a feigned hope of mine to not recognize the damage. if i avert my eyes from it and keep walking in the opposite direction perhaps you never hurt me at all, or so i wanted to believe. but, it did hurt me, more than words can adequately express.

there was that rush at the start, so strong that it took my breath. i was overwhelmed by it, and my initial reaction was to run. i should have run. all those words of love, they were hollow, and not a single one of them did he mean, at all. he kept me tucked behind a curtain, hidden away from his life, and he told me over and again that it was because i was special, that this was something sacred, and beautiful. but really, it was just a game to him, and eventually he turned his tongue and his words became intentions to make me feel as if i was in the way.

everything i did then felt unwanted. i felt as if even my breathing was a bother to him. i would dial his number and listen to it ring a few times, half-hoping he'd never answer because i could not bear to hear that sound in his voice - irritation, impatience, and that undercurrent of "why are you bothering me?" that was impossible to ignore. it left shards of doubt just below my skin, a sting that grew sharper when he would still ask me to meet him somewhere, and how he'd hold me in a room with the lights out, pressing me close and whispering lies in my ears, always refusing me any real part of his life.

the lies were just part of the game to him. the excuses of why i could never see where he lived, or why i was never welcome into his life. i was just another thing for him to keep secret, to hold in dark places and then deny later, to sing to until i sang along, and then silenced because my voice was just never good enough. he may as well have left me by the side of the road, shivering, because that tone in his voice, when i'd try to reach out, was made of middle of the night frost, and pavement skinned knees - and it left me just wanting to run back home.

there was no exchange of words when he eventually went away. the house lights came on and he just disappeared backstage, leaving me to pick up the props and sweep off the stage, alone. it was as if he was never here at all. the flowers he gave me, they died quickly, the summer heat drying them up and speeding up the wilting petals that eventually all fell to the floor. the card tucked inside, it did not even have my name - just a pet one that could be pinned on anyone - and really, i could have been anyone. i know that i meant nothing much to him really; i'd meant nothing much at all.

and i'm fine to forget him. he never let me care enough to make him matter in some for life kind of way. i can hardly recall what his lips felt like on mine, or how the sound of his voice once made me smile. all that he left, that until i listened to this song i thought i'd escaped without, is another layer of self-doubt.
it sifts through my feelings now, shakes its head in disapproval when i try to reach out to you, and just be myself - i hear something in your voice and it rushes in, that doubt, and tells me "you are only in the way". and i try to silence it, i try to hold my breath and just believe, but right now - in the early break of morning and with this song playing - i feel just that, i feel in the way. and the tears that just teased at my eyelashes last night, now they fall. because you, well it is you that i love completely, and i do not want to ever just be in the way.